


Nothing Left To Say

by thatswhatshegayd



Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Depression, M/M, No one dies AU, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Trans Character, Very angst, a depressed Dave and a worried John, and then im sinking into hell, im venting very subtly, maybe if you squint you can see it, much vent, or idk just look at daves turmoil, that should help, trans!Dave, yo new chapter out for a fuckin author note
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-20
Updated: 2017-11-10
Packaged: 2018-06-09 13:28:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6909307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatswhatshegayd/pseuds/thatswhatshegayd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave Strider needs to get some stuff off of his chest without telling anyone, so he creates a private board to just vent. </p><p>Sometimes, he even needs to say things he can never say to John Egbert (or anyone for that matter), or it would ruin their relationship forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. ==> Be Dave Strider.

\--turntechGodhead [TG] RIGHT NOW created a private memo on board BULLSHIT--

[TG]: okay i know that youre not going to see this like

[TG]: ever 

[TG]: but i guess i need to get some shit off my chest right now

[TG]: so i guess this board is only for me to spew word vomit all over the fucking place? 

[TG]: yeah thats probably it 

[TG]: guess ill just start with this bullshit then 

[TG]: i really miss talking to you like we used to 

[TG]: like a lot

[TG]: now that weve grown up more i just

[TG]: miss all the days we got to fuck around on the internet and be you know fucking kids

[TG]: jesus christ this is angsty as shit 

[TG]: but we used to be best friends

[TG]: where the hell did that all go?

[TG]: now you only seem to care about making yourself happy and other people making you happy

[TG]: but

[TG]: i dont want anyone else to make you happy except for me as fucking selfish as that sounds

[TG]: when i hear about your old exes i bite my lip

[TG]: i grit my teeth and try to not think about the ways i could fuck up what we have

[TG]: and i dont want anyone else fucking this up

[TG]: god im so fucking selfish for wanting to have you all to myself

[TG]: when i told you that someone said they had a crush on me hoping you would console me or some shit

[TG]: all you say is that i can have a relationship in real life and one on the internet?

[TG]: i know you mean well but are you fucking serious

[TG]: i have loved you too much to do that

[TG]: its cheating and i hate the idea that i would ever do something like that to you

[TG]: that you would do that to me

[TG]: even today when i talked to you i had to keep myself from saying shit that would make you unhappy

[TG]: but i failed

[TG]: you stopped talking to me a while ago but

[TG]: it hurts knowing that you did

[TG] i miss the days when you were honest with all of your feelings

[TG]: when you didnt say shit just to pacify yourself

[TG]: of fucking course i know youre lying but i never say anything about it because im too much of a fucking coward to make you upset

[TG]: or angry

[TG]: or anything negative at fucking all

[TG]: i miss the days you would talk me out of suicide and stop me from harming myself

[TG]: now i dont know what im doing anymore

[TG]: i hold back my screams

[TG]: i use my shades to cover up how fucking hurt i am now

[TG]: how much it hurts that youre not there to help me

[TG]: how much fucking everything hurts now

[TG]: im fighting not to slip up in front of anyone about any of my shit

[TG]: i try not to hurl my phone across the room now

[TG]: i laugh but now its just hollow and unfeeling

[TG]: now i have to fake im okay just so you wont give me your shitty barely even serious answers

[TG]: do you know how much i just want to fucking talk to you like normal people? talk about everything? say i love you and goodnight without making you sad that im leaving?

[TG]: i want to talk about your day not this other bullshit

[TG]: i want to make funny inside jokes about cocks with you not talk about drama

[TG]: i want to meet you in person and finally see your face for the first fucking time

[TG]: hell yeah i know youre taller than me and im okay with that

[TG]: where are the days you teased me about being short

[TG]: wheres the days where we played video games online with each other like fucking kids

[TG]: where are the days where we spoke about our feelings and actually meant it

[TG]: i love you and i know you love me but when have we ever had fun where we both were happy

[TG]: wheres your old sense of humor and pranks?

[TG]: wheres the dork i met over minecraft when i was 10 years old as shitty as our first meeting sounds

[TG]: i just

[TG]: miss you so fucking much

[TG]: it just hurts so much to think that now our relationship is just a jumbled mess of teenage problems

[TG]: it hurts to think that one day youll wake up and stop loving me like you used to

[TG]: and

[TG]: im sorry

\--turntechGodhead [TG] RIGHT NOW closed private memo on board BULLSHIT--

You sat back and sighed heavily, feeling better than you were before you spewed bullshit out on Pesterchum. You messed up your hair and rubbed your eyes, which were still a little damp from when you had broken down before sliding your shades back on your face.

With "Up on Melancholy Hill" by Gorillaz softly playing in the background, you clicked back to Pesterchum, mouse hovering over his Chumhandle, which had blinked out. Without making much thought about it, you clicked on it.

\--turntechGodhead [TG] RIGHT NOW began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] RIGHT NOW at 4:14 AM--

[TG]: i know youre probably sleeping or some shit like the good christian you are but i couldnt sleep

[TG]: so sup

[EB]: dave, shut up, i'm not christian! and don't worry, i'm awake now, you asshole.

[TG]: wow you wound me egbert

[EB]: did i hurt your poor ladylike heart?

[TG]: yes

[EB]: i was just kidding, dude! anyways, do you want to watch some movies with me?

[TG]: if its another one of your movies with maccockaugny in it i will literally scream

[EB]: his name is matthew mcconaughey you ass! he's a good actor.

[EB]: ...dave?

[EB]: are you there?

[EB]: if you arent there i will literally get roxy to delete everything on your computer.

[TG]: jesus fuck john calm your shit

[TG]: i just spaced out

[EB]: hahaha, jk. ill set everything up on skype, okay? see you in a bit

[TG]: sounds cool

\--ectoBiologist [EB] RIGHT NOW ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] RIGHT NOW at 4:24 AM--

[TG]: sorry about earlier today by the wa

[TG]: ...

[TG]: fucking shit

\--turntechGodhead [TG] RIGHT NOW ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] RIGHT NOW at 4:25 AM--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> check out my blog if you wanna
> 
> davestriofficial.tumblr.com


	2. ==> Days in the futre, but not many

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tears. Screaming. No more light at the end of his tunnel. Only four anti depressants and one blade he's been using for years.

\--turntechGodhead [TG] RIGHT NOW created a private memo on board BULLSHT--

[TG]: fuck this

[TG]: im honestly so sick and fucking tired of this

[TG]: of myself

[TG]: you know why do you guys even fucking hang around me

[TG]: there is absolutely no reason why you would want to hang out with some piss poor excuse for a cool kid like me

[TG]: ...right

[TG]: i mean

[TG]: im clingy as fuck and always being annoying

[TG]: i bitch about my life while you guys probably have your own fucking problems you need to take care of

[TG]: and it makes no sense why you would be friends with me

[TG]: ive heard conversations about me time and time before

[TG]: and theyre all the fucking same

[TG]: about how annoying i am

[TG]: about how clingy i can be

[TG]: about how fake people think i am

[TG]: so why wont you guys be like the rest and fucking talk behind my back about me

[TG]: i dont deserve your kindness

[TG]: or any of this shit you guys give me

[TG]: you act nice and friendly but i sincerely doubt you actually like me

[TG]: and i get the fact that john is going to wake up one day and not love me its fucking obvious 

[TG]: so why are you all still here

[TG]: everyones sick of my shit

[TG]: im sick of my shit

[TG]: i dont fucking deserve your friendship 

[TG]: sometimes i just wish that i could fucking disappear

[TG]: that way

[TG]: ...

[TG]: that way no one will have to deal with me again

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] RIGHT NOW closed private memo on board BULLSHIT--

You grit your teeth and threw your phone across the room, where it landed on a pile of dirty clothes. Screaming out in anger you pulled at your hair, tears starting to slip their way down your face.

Why did everyone put up with you? How could they? Why did they pretend to care?

You couldn't stop your inner turmoil then, instead resorting to burying your head in your knees and taking long, wrenching sobs that you muffled with your arms. No one needed to hear about your fucking bullshit.

You let out more muffled crying, so angry and so sad, and yet...

And yet...

Your head shot up then, and you got up and shuffled tearily to the bathroom. You didn't bother to look in the mirror, but instead marched up to the medicine cabinet, taking out some of your old anti depressants.

Hastily opening the cap, you deposited 4 pills into your hand- probably way more than needed- and stared at them for a bit. Your hands were shaking, so you gripped the countertop and tried to stop your tears. 

And you stared at them. You stared at them, fully determined to end it. Then... Why did you hesitate?

With a curse, you put the pills back in the bottle and shoved it back into the cabinet, before opening up a drawer and removing a blade from it instead. "Better than... Nothing..." You muttered weakly, pulling up your right sleeve and dragging the blade across your arm, enough to cut it open and let it start bleeding. 

With a churning feeling in your stomach and blurry vision, you swiped the blade across your skin again. And again. And many more times. By then, your arm was stained with seeping blood. You almost wanted to puke at the sight of it, but instead just washed off the blade and put it back into the drawer, before wrapping gauze and bandages (don't ask how you got them into your apartment, it's a touchy subject) over your arm and exiting the bathroom after turning off the lights.

You fell onto your bed with a huff, eyes dry enough to steadily stare at the ceiling of your room. You managed to ignore the pain from your arm, instead focusing on how the ceiling looked. There was nothing on it. It was smooth and empty as it always was. But unlike your room, it wasn't painted red. It was just an empty white, and you laughed airily at the irony of your thoughts. Cool kid Dave Strider, acting like a dramatic emo kid from fucking 2009.

Even after the pain dulled from your cuts, you couldn't sleep. Your mind wouldn't let you. Sleep didn't come as easily as they said it would.

Your mind wandered from your self-depreciating thoughts to John. His dazzling smile, even if it was on camera. His hair that refused to look tame. His dorky glasses that he's had for years. The fact that you're actually dating someone so out of your league. 

It made you smile, if only a little bit. You turned on your side, careful of your arm, drearily closing your eyes. Maybe it didn't have to end yet. Maybe, just maybe....

He still loves you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these are really short chapters hahahahaha


	3. ==>

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's unfair. It's all unfair. 
> 
> Why did he have to leave?

You were wrong.

You were so fucking wrong. 

How... Why... 

You wanted to scream into your pillow. Throw your phone across the room until it breaks. Rip down your photographs of him. How could he hurt you like this?

But you couldn't.Why couldn't you scream? Why couldn't you just break your phone? Instead, you were sobbing your eyes out.

"Dave! Open up! If you don't, I swear I'll get Dirk to bust this stupid thing down!" Roxy screamed, knocking on it repeatedly. 

Chimes were repeatedly coming from your phone. You glanced at it, seeing Pesterchum blowing up with messages from Rose.

\--tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 12:40 am--

TT: Dave. What are you doing?

TT: ...Dave. Answer me.

TT: Please. 

TT: Dave, what the hell are you doing in there? What's going on?

TT: ... It's John, isn't it. 

You blinked down at the text. Sniffling with tears rolling down your cheeks, you finally responded.

TG: yeah so what 

TG: it dont really matter now does it

TT: ...That,

TT: Is fucking bullshit, Dave. And you know it.

TT: He hurt you, didn't he?

TG: you know what rose yeah he did

TG: hahaa

TG: it feels like he smashed my heart into a million pieces? 

>TG: just

TG: leave me alone rose

TG: It doesn't matter anymore 

\--turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 12:55 am--

Throwing your phone down, you pushed your face into your hands. Your body started trembling all over again, until you finally started crying big, fat alligator tears.

The constant rapping at your door stopped. It was completely quiet.

"...Dave," Dirk's voice cut through the silence- save for your hiccups- low and soft, like it's always been. But now, it had a very subtle edge to it. Sharp and dangerous, like he was mad.

"What," you croaked, sitting up a little. Rubbing your eyes, you looked at the door expectantly.

"Open the door, let's talk." Just the words you didn't want to hear. 

"No," your eyes stung, your voice cracked, and God, did your head hurt, but you kept going. "I don't want to talk right now. I told you guys to leave me alone. So just, leave."

Silence. Then, a quiet scraping sound, which you could only place as Dirk sitting at the door. 

"We're not leaving until we know you're okay," he said calmly. Dammit.

"Well, I'm fine," you replied dryly, adding a sour tone to your voice. "So you can go."

"No, we want to see that you're okay. Something obviously happened so-"

"Oh, you know what happened, Dirk? He- John- just dumped my sorry ass for some chick named Vriska Serket." 

\----

Your name is John Egbert and you feel bad. Like, really really bad.

TT: John. 

TT: What. Did. You. Do. To. Dave. 

Biting your lip, you frowned. Oh, Rose was seriously mad. Yikes.

EB: oh, hi rose!

EB: how are you?

TT: JOHN. Don't play fucking games with me. 

TT: What did you do to my brother?

EB: i just...

EB: broke up with him?

TT: Why, might I ask?

EB: ...

EB: because i had to.

TT: What the fuck does that mean?

EB: it was... it was everything to me! i promise! i loved him a lot!

EB: but

EB: i found someone else?

EB: i think.

TT: So you just left him, because you found someone else?

TT: John, I understand that you are a stupid kid just like us, and you found someone else (you think!), but you are a fucking idiot.

You stared at your screen in shock, glancing over at Vriska. She was absentmindedly on her phone, texting her friend Terezi, or something. Quickly, you turned back to your phone.

 

EB: i... 

EB: what?

TT: If you didn't notice, John, Dave is an unstable mess who doesn't know how to cope with loss easily, on top of the fact that he has a huge, traumatizing past thanks to Bro. He is not good at feeling things anymore, has frequent panic attacks, and still has antidepressants. If he didn't take those, I'm pretty sure he'd be dead in a week. Dave constantly checks to see if he matters to us anymore, so guess what you just did? Confirm his suspicions that we don't care about him. And what makes matters worse? You're leaving him for someone else. 

TT: John, honestly I'm disappointed in you. 

EB: it's not *my* fault that i fell in love with vriska! things like that just HAPPEN!!!

TT: If you really believe that, John, then maybe you should tell that to Dave. Oh wait, he doesn't want to speak to you, or anyone, for that matter. He's locked in his room, sobbing his fucking eyes out.

TT: I hope you and Vriska are happy.

\--tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]at 9:55 PM--

You looked down at the chat, watching as Rose's chumhandle blinked out of sight. Sighing, you leaned back and looked at the ceiling.

In truth, it wasn't because of Vriska. At all. You didn't really like her. 

It was because of your Dad.

Arrgh, why couldn't you just say that? Instead, you went and broke your boyfriend's heart.

What is wrong with you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> before you all kill me i know rose is acting irrational but she so damn mad at john that she doesnt seem to care that he "found someone else" just that her brother might kill himself because at this point hes not going to take his antidepressants oops im sorry


	4. Author Note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> uhuhuhuh ive been gone so long

heyo it me back at it again,,, hdjdjdjf 

if u remember correctly, i wrote this piece of shit back in 2016 and it hasnt updated since. (actually its kinda impressive i just read it over again and like,,, wow its kinda good)

but! i havent updated in over a year! because mostly i came out to my parents as trans which backfired, wrote an email to my mom to try to make her see why im a boy, which ended up with me getting my laptop taken away, which i had to use because my computer was and still is broken. i just recently got my phone back, and oh man. i really love this story and im considering picking it back up again, but since literally everything on my phone is blocked from use, it will take a while. im currently writing on my iphone, which then i will transfer to my ds, and upload from there. shits convoluted. 

but i hope youve liked reading so far??? a lots happened in a year like finding out im autistic, which is a experience when coupled with synesthesia. my parents are denying me a therapist, and i got sent to a catholic school, too. all in all, everything kinda sucks ass right now to even get on the internet but i!! will try to write more, no promises tho.

(also, idk if you can tell, but ive also become more happy in a year!! which is an achievement! im polyamorous and i have two wonderful bfs who i really love and ive found my real family!! gosh love is real 2017)

anyways, my tumblr is now jxcksxrt.tumblr.com if u wanna kno. go follow me!! i post shitposts and aesthetics nowadays, along with art and shit. i love you all and thanks for actually looking at my works?? hfdjfnfj bye bi 

-the author, maxx


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